The Circles of Grammar Hell

Sixth Circle: Misused Apostrophes

Ok, so we’re really getting to the nub of the grammar nerd’s idea of purgatory. We’ve reached the 6th circle of Dante’s Hell, as Reimagined for Linguistic Transgressions by John Rauschenberg in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. We’ve been through the limbo of the autocorrect, and descended to here via the serial comma, the ‘unnecessary use of quotation marks’, those HAs (hated abbreviations) and travelled through a swathe of truisms to reach what for many would be the nadir of the word nerd, although there are 3 more levels of grammar hell so I can only assume thing’s [sic] get much worse! According to Rauschenberg, “Most souls on this level are cursed to endlessly hunt for things that they mistakenly stated belonged to someone or something. Where is Kid’s party? What about Nacho’s $5.75? This entire level has lost it’s way.”

For me the misuse of the apostrophe is almost akin to a capital offense, punishable by hard labour. I am so grateful to Lynne Truss for bringing this to the fore and making it possible to talk about this in public instead of in hushed corners with other word nerds, before donning balaclavas and arming ourselves with sharpies to exercise guerrilla warfare on all those potatoes’s and tomatoes’s signs seen so frequently at the greengrocers. (A positive consequence of the spread of globalisation and demise of the veg shop is a decline in the prominence of such offensive signs on the high street.)

Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation is my holy book. How can I not deify a woman who can write so vehemently about something that until that point had been so secretly close to my heart? “No matter that you have a PhD and have read all of Henry James twice. If you still persist in writing, 'Good food at it's best', you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave.” (Lynne Truss, Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation.)

Since leaving full-time work as an office wallah, I’ve realised my life has been a journey to this point; a journey to the point of wanting to be paid to correct other people’s misuse of that much maligned little punctuation mark. I had a good go during my higher education career. Many admin assistants, PAs and colleagues would be almost physically quivering when they handed me work to be checked, knowing the red pen (or later, the Word comment and track change marks) would soon be scrawling all over their lovingly (or sometimes, not so lovingly, let’s face it - you know who you are!) minutes, or letters, or committee reports. I could spot a misused apostrophe at least one page ahead. That tiny little elevated comma hanging there where it shouldn’t can bring me out in such a rage to the extent that I once actually marked up a menu in a restaurant because I didn’t want ‘nacho’s with cheese’ or ‘tomato’s on toast’. I haven’t quite gone as far The Apostrophiser, however. This stickler for grammar has taken Bristol signage to task over the years, armed with the unlikely weapons of a broom handle, a sponge and some stickers. So particular is he I heard he even takes care to match the font of any inserted apostrophe to the sign he’s amending! Listen to his story here. The man deserves a medal!

I am frequently asked by my partner for apostrophe advice. I hear the plaintive words starting a sentence “is there an apostrophe in… [insert pears/mums/dogs etc, according to subject of sentence]" and stiffen my spine ready to ask the question which is often my initial stock response, “is possession involved or is it just more than one pear/mum/dog?". Text messages I write must be grammatically accurate, although I am frequently caught out by the 1st and 4th circles of grammar hell when I realise I have proofread AFTER pressing send and the message makes no sense once the autocorrect and a clumsy attempt at abbreviation have played their respective parts. An example was a message to my niece recently which she must have puzzled over for all of the 5 nano seconds it took me to correct “Must day fish with my tea” to “just sat down”. I think this trait is connected to that which compels me to nudge any long suffering companion during TV programmes and even at the cinema to snarl about minor continuity errors. This annoying habit came to the fore most recently during the film Molly’s Game. The offensive item was a cardigan – I know, such an unlikely garment to feature in a Hollywood movie – which was on/off shoulder in alternate shots. My sense of harmony and equanimity was seriously challenged by this editing faux pas and I spent the rest of the film in an agitated state and needed a glass of wine at the bar before going home. I'm afraid last night, an unlit cigarette doing a disappearing then reappearing act behind a character's ear in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri had me almost reaching for the whiskey bottle when I got home until I remembered I said I'd do dry 4th week in January and went to bed instead with a cup of tea and a Valium!

But, I digress. Back to the apostrophe. To quote Lynn Truss again, “For any true stickler, you see, the sight of the plural word “Book’s” with an apostrophe in it will trigger a ghastly private emotional process similar to the stages of bereavement, though greatly accelerated. First there is shock. Within seconds, shock gives way to disbelief, disbelief to pain, and pain to anger. Finally (and this is where the analogy breaks down), anger gives way to a righteous urge to perpetrate an act of criminal damage with the aid of a permanent marker.” (Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation). I think this Pavlovian response Lynne Truss refers to was seeded by an English teacher in my 3rd or 4th year at secondary school who, sick to death of our collective misuse, devoted a whole lesson to the humble apostrophe, by the end of which the rules were cemented in my brain, never to be erased. Dementia may eventually take its toll on my mental faculties, who knows, but I can tell you now I will know the difference between carer’s and carers’ allowance until I go to my grave! Mrs Neaum, you have much to answer for; I wish I knew where you were for I’d shake your hand and put protection in place against long suffering friends and family who must listen to me extol the virtues of the apostrophe! Whatever you do, though, do not commit your apostrophe ignorance to stone, as this poor grieving child has done. Remember, punctuation saves lives. Just ask Grandma!