The Circles of Grammar Hell

Eighth Circle: Needless Correctors

"The souls in this circle often toured the other circles, mocking the poor souls who suffered there for their poor command of the English language. Little did they know that one of the worst circles was reserved for them and their grating tendency to overcorrect English usage at every opportunity. These are the people who can’t watch an episode of Star Trek without pointing out that “to boldly go” splits the infinitive, who cause you to cringe the instant after you say “I don’t know which restaurant we’re going to.” They are forced to compose tweets for President Trump. The punishment for writing any tweet that is even close to grammatically correct is needless physical corrections to the offender’s body. Very physical and very needless."

Oh dear; it seems I am doomed to Dante’s eighth circle of hell, as Reimagined for Linguistic Transgressions by John Rauschenber in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Overcorrecting. Unnecessarily correcting. Apologising, then correcting. Being unable to not point out errors, even if that means uttering a double negative. Grammatical errors. Continuity and editing errors. In writing. In films and on TV. In speech. Needing a question to be perfectly articulated before responding to ‘You know whathername’s party on that date at some point in the future? Are we going, or were we going to see thingummybob that day?’ when I know darn well what party the questioner is referring to. Guilty. On all counts.

I have previously explored my inability to sit through a film and not nudge my companion to point out that a glass in one shot was full whereas in another shot it’s half empty. I must be the most annoying person to go to the cinema with. It’s difficult when you spend a lot of time with someone who starts every conversation halfway through their own thoughts on the subject and expects you to have been inside their head for the past ten minutes so that you can hit the ground running and know exactly what they’re talking about. I’m afraid this experience has made me a bit pedantic. Or lazy. Or both. Whatever the root cause, I find myself requiring a conversation to be restarted with all the gaps filled in my the speaker and not my brain so that I can put my full mental energy into my response rather than wasted vital nano seconds working out what the speaker is asking.

I guess that is autocorrection. It’s certainly automatically annoying, I’m sure. It’s a hell I’m stuck in and for which I’m not sure any therapy is available. As my dad always used to say, ‘I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong’. It seems this idiom stuck, fast, in my psyche. I appear to be doomed. Although I do draw the line at composing Tweets for President Trump. Perhaps I just need to channel this tendency into my professional work as a proofreader? But with more empathy and support? Yes, I think that’s what I will do. Perhaps there’s some advantage to reaching the eighth circle of grammar hell after all?!